The forgotten

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I want a rain shower.


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The word "die" or "death" or "mati" in Malay, has always been a well established taboo for the livings. We try to avoid using it. And we too, naturally avoid (facing) it.

I've always thought that patients have the greatest fear over this word. It is the-word-that-shall-not-be-said in front of patients or their family member unless it has became the adjective for the subject. So, we avoid using the word at all cost. When we really had to use it, we try to substitute the word with "past away", "expired", or "meninggal dunia" (in Malay).

But, I noticed patients do use it. Sometimes, more bluntly than I thought they would.

Scenario 1: @ the Nephrology clinic

Me: Hi, pakcik. I'm a medical student. If it is alright, I would like to ask you a few questions regarding your health before you go in to see the doctor. Is it ok?

Patient: Boleh. Tanyalah. Apa yang nak ditanya? Saya pun sudah nak mati.
(Can. Ask lah. What do you want to ask? I am going to die anyway.)

*froze*stun* ?!!!

Patient: Sudah mati dah.
(I've died)

Me: Pakcik, jangan cakap begitu. Kena bersabar dan berubat lah ya.
(No, uncle. Don't say so. You'll have to be patient and take treatments)

Patient: Memang pakcik sudah nak mati. Tak mati buat apa.
(I'm already dying. What else can I do if not dead?)

Me: Tak, pakcik... pakcik kena gagah.
(No, uncle. You have to be strong)

Patient sneered.

Me: Pakcik, kencing manis berapa lama dah ya?
(Uncle, how long have you been having diabetes?)

Patient: Lama dah.
(Long time already)

Me: Agak-agak berapa lama? Lebih 5 tahun, ke? 10 tahun ke? 20 tahun ke?
(About how long would that be? 5 years? or maybe 10 or 20 years maybe?)

Patient: Tak ingat dah. Dah nak mati ingat buat apa?
(I do not remember. I am already going to die. Why do I still need to remember all these?)

Me: Pakcik, tak boleh kata gitu ya. Sekarang ni kan duduk sini nak tunggu tengok doktor.
(Please do not say that, uncle. Now you are sitting here to wait to see doctor, aren't you?)

Patient: Kencing manis ada. Sakit semua ada belaka. Mata buta dah. Kena cuci pinggang. Isteri lari dah. Anak hisap dadah.... Tak mati buat apa
( I have diabetes. I'm blind. I have all sort of illness. I need dialysis. My wife ran away. My son do drugs...What is the purpose then if not to die?)

By that time, I really felt I want to "mati" already. Not only I am unable to proceed with my clerking and stuck to his deadly words. But also the way he is affecting the crowd. This uncle kept announcing to the whole nephro clinic whose patients are mostly diabetics, to die! And not to forget, shoving down these words to his son, who stood right beside him.

Hearing these words, "Pakcik, i think you can let me "mati" (die) first."
(Bang head).

Scenario 2: @ the GP clinic

Doctor: Hello, pakcik. (shake hand) How have you been lately?

Patient: Tak baik lah doktor.
(Not good, doctor)

Doctor: Apa masalahnya? (with the utmost gentleness and concerning stare)
(What is the problem, uncle?)

Patient: Saya rasa pening, doktor.
(I feel giddy, doctor)

Doktor: Memusing gitu?
(As if the room is turning round like that?)

Patient: Ya. Rasa macam nak rebah.
(Yes. I also feel like fainting)

Doctor: Iya?...Mata gelap gitu ke?
(Is that so? Does your vision turn black?)

Patient: Tak, tapi bila memusing gitu rasa tak boleh nak bangun langsung.
Doktor, rasanya saya dah nak mati lah ya? Inilah tanda-tandanya?
(No, but when I feel really giddy I can not even wake up. I have to just lie on the bed.
Doctor, I feel that I am going to die, am I? These are signs, right?)



Scenario 3: @ Medical ward

MO: Makcik, tekanan darah anak tadi turun rendah sangat. Jadi kami sudah cuba untuk menaikkan semula tekanan darah anak. Tapi nampaknya tekanan darah masih rendah dan tak molek lagi.
(Madam, your daughter's blood pressure has crashed just now and we are trying our best to increase the pressure again. But her blood pressure is still not picking up and it is not looking too good)

Patient's mother: Jadi sudah mati lah?
(That means she is dead right?)

MO did not admit or agree to her statement. Instead, he tried explaining to the patient's mother again that they are still trying to resuscitate her child.

Patient's mother: Nak mati dah lah? (with her voices trailing off...)
(She is going to die then, right?)

MO struggled hard to look into her eyes. He just returned the 'makcik' a plain stare and a gulp.

Soon after, the team stopped the chest compressions. The curtain was opened. Nobody said a word.

It was momentarily very silent with the exception of the noise of a paper tear to get the flat ECG reading off from the defrib machine.

The makcik walked away from the MO and went hugging her daughter in tears.

Her daughter was dead.

Sometimes, I wonder...who exactly are the ones who are more fearful of "mati"?
Patients? or us?

I wish to move forward already

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It has been nice


my love for it is still there


I wish to move forward already.

Scene of car accident

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My nephew seems to have inborn talent for film direction. Apparently he set up and staged every thing, from placing over-turned car to lying at the side.

Will someone call 911 please? haha...