I wish to move forward already

It has been nice

and

my love for it is still there

but

I wish to move forward already.

All I want to do

I have always loved seaside.

Life is oftenly overwhelming and can sometimes be mind crippling.

When I see places like these, I realized all I want to do is just to sit by the seaside everyday.

Doing nothing but staring at the big rocks,

facing the sea,

listening to the oceanic melody,

enjoying the gentle touch of every single breeze,

staring up the coconut tree,

or just looking at kids playing in their underpants.

And that is all I want to do.

Can I?

Pictures taken: Kuala Abang, Terengganu

Date: 15/03/2010

Move! Move! Move!

With the new year spirit still fresh in all, it is a good time to change into a new skin like how all those shell-creatures or snake do. Shed off the old and stale. Leave it behind and move! Move into a brand new year.

Every new year, most of us will do the same ritual. Good ones, we prayed for it to stay. And we worked for the better. Bad ones, we swore to strip it off. Whatever it is, we all hope we are moving into a better year.

New year or not, many things have taken place all these years. There may be changes in some things but the rest remains the same. Some changed too fast. So fast that we could not even catch up. While others seem frozenly dormant, remaining the same or similar every year.

New year. Changed or same. For the better or worse. We move.

But, are we moving forward? Or are we just moving in circles?

I have flat bottom?!

If I have had a nice bodyline, I would be doing some modelling already. I wished.

I know I have no perfect figure. But what exactly is my figure type? Knowing your body better helps you to dress better if not less wrong, right? Perhaps some more proffesional assessment is better than relying just on people's comment. Don't you think so?

Yeah. People talk. People teased. Put in another way, people comment. You know those different type of pelvis we learn in O & G (Obstetrics & Gynaecology). Apparently, from their observation I am labelled as the platypelloid pelvis. Mean, right?!

To be honest, they weren't the first 'commentors'. Mom used to tell me that when she was buying clothes for me during my teens. Something more insulting was this incidence which happened like about 2 years ago. I was lying prone on the bed. My grandmother slapped (the old people kind of 'sayang' slap la) my buttocks and commented on my body part as she walked pass me. There was this infant in my family which my grandmother used to compare my butts with. Her exact words were, "Even the baby's butt is bigger than yours", and she giggled away. -.-"'

Anyway, back to the figure type assessment thingy. I was reading this 'online women magazine' and I came across this article on "Are You Dressing Right for Your Figure Type?". So, I took the quiz and this was the result:

Broad Top & Narrow Bottom

Characteristics of Your Body Type:

You have a small to medium build, with shoulders that are broader than your hips. Your bustline is average to full and your waist is short and straight. You have hips that are narrow and boyish, a flat bottom and very slender legs.

Well, this is not to prove others right about my bottom but to say that I have so many inputs sewn on me regarding my hip/ pelvis/ buttocks that I spontaneously clicked on that I have a flat buttocks! -.-"'

Buying time

Doctors buy time. Put aside the fact that doctors save life, we, in the medical line actually learn to buy time most of the time.

We give tocolytics to those pregnant mothers with premature contractions, hoping to buy at least 48 hours after the last steroid injection, before the baby rushes to see the world with very immature lungs.

We give regular blood transfusions for thallasemic patients to give them time. It is not a cure but this at least buy them time. It will be far too tragic to have your baby dead within the first year of life. That is why we buy as much time as we could, to prolong the time, to prolong life.

Victims of motor vehicle accident who came in with low GCS score, polytrauma, that you may not even know if he or she survives tomorrow, is resusitated, intubated and on mechanical ventilation. He or she may be dead few hours following the initial insult but we still do whatever we can, at our level best, to keep the victim alive as long as possible. Time bought may not be long but at least some of the loved ones may make it to the bedside before the last breath.

Patient came in with advanced breast carcinoma came in with metastasis to liver and bone. We still offer chemotherapy, hoping it will shrink the tumor enough and to proceed with toilet mastectomy. Not to offer cure, but this is what we called palliative. Perhaps giving more quality time to patients than they thought they initially would have helps them (not only patient, but also relatives and firends) to learn about the illness and to gradually learn that this is actually terminal. And perhaps, some would have less regrets with the borrowed time.

A cure is not something that can be offered always, but we try; we try to buy time, all the time. Life and mortality are in our phases all the time. Time is perhaps all we need, before we are ready.

Refurbished

I couldn't really remember when was the last time I really sat down and blog. It has been a while.

It has been about 4 years now and my commitment to blogging and writting has obviously shrunk. The enticement of being heard has been greatly outweighed by the loss of privacy. As contradicting as this may sound, this has indeed held me from the pen (key)board.

One of the most enjoyable part of blogging is being heard. As time goes by, more people I know personally reads and my choice of blogging material has gradually became more restricted. Not because I want to "kutuk" (backstab) anyone or anything but merely because I care (perhaps too much) about what others may think if I write this and what if I write that. And by saying that, I don't mean offensive post either. It is just the fact that human minds are capable of interpreting things their own way. I do not want to be misunderstood. I do not wished to be judged. So, I became too careful. So careful with my choice of words, and my choice of materials that I could hardly blog anymore.

On top of that is of course the privacy issue. I am afraid of 'over exposure'. It is like an ongoing, never ending contemplation of, "to blog" or "not to blog"; or "to post" or "not to post". Blogging to me is like finally got to vomit out ruminations bottled up in me. But, the same, persistent dilemma puts me into a mind fatigue state. It is like I want to freely be myself but I can't. So, I sort of vanished. Made myself disappear.

I think this has do me good. From the average maybe of 10 visitors per day, I now have maybe 1 or none per day. I know less or people follows my blog now. Perhaps some may even have forgotten. I am happy. I felt less restrain.

With so much things overflowing from the past to present, it is impossible to blog about all. Most importantly, this quarter of century has thought me some things. And I learned.

Apart from all the craps, I have decided to 'refresh' and do some refurbishing on my blog. Chucked away some stuffs. Added some. Edited some items. And "tadaa!". New look! Clean and simple :)

Hope to blog again, soon ;)

'Silent night'

Silent night.

The night is silent.

That was the last song 'she' heard.

That was the last song I sang, to 'her'.

And silently,...

Silent night.

It is the little things that matter the most

Men and women have always been described that they come from a totally different planet. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. No wonder we are so different!

Most of the time women are a more sensitive creature, who look more into tiny, tiny stuffs that men would tend to ignore. I guess that is why God put man and woman together. If not for all the little things that has been taken care of, a house would just be a house, not a home. But somehow, men just failed to understand why are women into all sort of 'petty', small stuffs like flushing the toilet, boiling the water, etc.

The importance is not proportionately reflected on the adjectives, 'little' or 'small' itself. In fact, I would say the importance is reflected reversly proportional to its label. Take the latest news for example; Influenza A (H1N1), the virus infection of what the world is now afraid to be pandemic. Given the previous history of SARS that left the world still in shivers, the comotion today was because of the tiny, minute activity in the virus that leads to the whole antigenic drift and antigenic shift thing.

It is the little things that make up things. Cells make up tissue. Tissues make up organ. Organs makes up the system. And systems make up a whole functioning body that enable you to read this now, isn't it?

Latest technology now are going smaller, tinier, more and more microscopic. Nanotechnology this nanothecnology that. But, has anyone heard of any new development on some gigatechnology? or teratechnology?

It is the little things that our eyes seldom see. Not because we are literally blind but because when we have conditioned it to be 'small' and 'little'. When it is 'small' and 'little', "who cares?-why bother?" kind of attitude sets in automatically.

It is so 'small' and 'little' that it has not earn enough of importance to be noted in our life. Perhaps that is why, men will almost never seems to understand why some 'small' things like 'this' or 'that' actually matters to another person (eg, women). Because all these things which are of importance to women has never really earned the right to be noted upon by men. Why?

As viewed from Mars: Small things mah. Don't know why she 'bilibala...' about all these petty stuffs one. (means it is not important, and never will be important to me la)

And from Venus, day by day, people are getting more and more frustrating, unable to understand why the inhabitants from Mars never seems to be able to grasp the point that this, though is small, is important.

My point here is, anyone can tell you little things are the things that matter the most. Unless, we, ourselves, think that this is not just any little thing, and realizing + admitting the importance(s), only then will we see it. Then only, it will become something that really matters.

To end, I would share something I read on the internet. How often do you have a bad day because a meteor chose your house as a landing spot? or a century old oak tree thought your car would be a comfortable place to lie down?

Or your bad day most of the time is due to a bunch of plain little things? (like traffic jam, over time working hours, etc)

You see, little things do matter, don't they?

Do you know your name?

Do you know your name?

People often ask me questions like:

Is this your English name? or...

So, this is your Chinese name?

English, Chinese, Malay, or Indian I don't know. Don't know what are the differences and it is not my concern if it is a English name or a Chinese name or Malay name or an Indian name really. It is just a name, my name.

My standard reply is always, to smile and say, "That is my name".

I never really know there is a meaning to my name. My parents have no specific reason when they name me. I have a homework today; to find out what my name means.

I googled a few websites and did my homework.

The meaning of my name is: "God has added a child" or "God will add". Apparently, it is of Hebrew origin and it is actually a female version of the name Joseph.

Now, I know my name.

'wish' & 'should'

A lot of times, I wished. I wished she would have fought harder. I wished she would have hanged on a bit more. Just a bit more.

It was harder to understand than I thought. I mean why wouldn't she make it through? She has made it through so much. So much. She got better too. She did. She survived an operation. And even survived a heart attack. Even the kidney failure was just transient. She should be discharging soon. But, just as things were getting better, her whole system decided to collapse? I could not comprehend. I do not understand.

She was strong. She has been strong. But, selfish me, I wished she would be stronger.

I wished she would just survived this once more. Just once more.

I wished the doctors could have done more instead of saying, "confused? why is she confused?", "she has got all the reasons to be confused". They should have done more.

As the "wish" & "should" moments came flooding again, I grieved. I grieved for her absence.



She fought a lot. And she fought enough. I know.

But, I also know that she is no longer here.






I miss you a lot, 'Apo'.

When Christmas have no reasons to be merry...

24th Dec 2008,


Christmas eve




Her progress fluctuates just like a roller coaster. She improves few days, deteriorates, and improves. I believe there is not a single system in her body was spared. She went in with liver enzymes sky high, found out to have cholecystitis, drainage done, had a cholecystectomy done upon noting that it is no longer functioning (dye injected past few days was still there). And five days later, she had an heart attack. It was scary enough to see how much she laboured for air. But she was strong. She improved. All the AF and tachy were no longer there. Then, her kidneys seems to be shutting down. Few dialysis were done. The nephrologist is happy with the improvement in this 89 years old lady. She is starting to pass more urine and even the urinary cathether was off today when I came to visit. Few times the doctors have commented on her remarkable recovery from all these stressors. Miraculous indeed. We were all thankful. Out of a sudden, she started to be confused and was hallucinating yesterday. At some point, they even have to restrain her arms from pulling off things off her body.

I went in this morning. She was still confused and hallucinating but less aggressive. Didn't manage to conversate with her properly. Stayed with her till 3pm. She was sleeping (plus moving her hands around) all the while. I barely see her awake. Didn't get to feed her anything. I went and pass the car to dad. Mom and dad does the evening shifts nowadays. Just before mom came home, the Dr called said they were unable to wake her up but she is still alive.

Mom and dad was still on their way there when my uncle informed that her systems has already collapsed. She won't make it through.


I held my breath and read through the sms again.


About an hour later, I received another sms.


She stopped breathing a while ago but she came back shortly. It is as if she was waiting,... waiting for someone. I with held the information, prepared a decent christmas eve dinner for granny. At about 11pm dad called, finally giving the grren light to go visit grandaunt, for the last time. We braved through the christmas eve jam. We arrived in that familiar room. When the world is celebrating in joy, here in that room, it was totally the opposite.


Dad and mom brought granny home. Relatives left shortly, one by one. I told them I would stay. I stayed. Slowly, and quietly... she left us.


6.44 a.m. , 25th Dec 2008, Christmas Day. It is also the day she left.

学习感谢

昨天从教会回来,我给了我自己一个功课. 我要学习如何感谢.

时常会以责怪的方式出问自己, "为什么他那么的自私?".

"其实他有没有想过他所造成的伤害呢?"

很容易就会点燃了一堆不舒适的感觉.

但圣经说, "凡事谢恩；因为这是神在基督耶稣里向你们所定的旨意."

由其实要在这样的情况之下来感谢, 是很难的事.

为什么我们要感谢呢?

感谢伤害我的人, 因为你磨炼了我的心态;

感谢欺骗我的人, 因为你增进了我的智慧;

感谢中伤我的人, 因为你砥砺了我的人格;

感谢绊倒我的人, 因为你强化了我的双腿;

感谢抛弃我的人, 因为你教会了我要独立;

感谢斥责我的人, 因为它指出了我的缺点；

感谢蔑视我的人, 因为它觉醒了我的自尊；

感谢鞭策我的人, 因为它激发了我的斗志;

感谢身边的小人，因为它让我学会了保护自己.

"Hello?"

“Hello?”

My voice echoed through and then it was dead silence again. There was creeping sense of silence as though there were no inhabitants in this space. I left out a soft sigh. The clearly, empty space had amplified the audible decibels again.

No wonder all the voices went unheard. There were no signs of living being at all.

You'll know when

I was standing at the corridor, talking on the phone, when I saw one of my friend past by, carrying a parcel mail. I've always envy those who get to collect mails. It always feels nice to get something from your postman, especially those that you didn't-know-it's-coming or have been anticipating it. Whatever it is, joy and 'yeay-fulness' says it all. As much as I would like to experience the joy, I did not really get to feel that much, except for the monthly bills! And,that's crap.

Anyway, I happened to casually popped the question out,

"Hey, how come you never send me things?"

You'll know that you are living in a 'world of advanced communication and technology' when you get this in reply:

"Eh, got. But now I'm starting to run out of things to send you in Facebook."

-_-'''

(it makes me go, "What the....???!!!! FACEBOOK huh?" *slap forehead!* OK, my mistake. I forgot what era am I living at.)

Fantasy, reality...

As beautiful as fantasy may be,...

we still have to live in reality.

U said, I said

You said:

It is perhaps the current situation made you feel unsecured, so do I; but the confidence and determination keeps me going, to face it bravely...

I will make it, even without support...



I said:

I am fearful, I am doubtful, and yes, I do feel weak at times. I felt broken and left to stand alone.

Do I keep myself going?

I told myself, I cannot falter; and yes, that kept me going, living with every tiny bits of courage I could collect.

I have not walked out alone (because of the fear for stray dogs) since my secondary school days. And today, I have re-experienced it again. Besides uttering prayers along the journey, the tiny voices inside my head kept me walking till the end by this telling:

"I will make it, even without support..."

It has been a long day. And I made it.

Entering IDC mode

Entering IDC mode...

Dracula mission: failed!!!

Ward duty in the medical posting is practically tiring. Before 5pm I was already all drenched out under that nylon white coat. Thinking of the following 'on call' duty later is really an additional whip of torture to the mind. However, time seems to just past as the night proceeds. The 'on call' duty was more of taking up a 'dracula' job for the night. Being a freshie 3rd year student, venepuncture is the main procedure for a start. The doctors and nurses will just gladly assign you the specimen bottles and tell you the bed number. Then, just before you go prepare the 'tools' needed for the job, slowly you take a walk, search for the victim, and take a peek on who and how he or she is. After that, you will either feel more relieved, or you will feel that your palpitations just got faster. Throughout the proccess, the only things I felt was palpitations and focal concentration. Seeing blood oozing out is the only relieving factor. Most of the times it does seems as if we are looking for victims to be guinea pig, especially from the look patients gave. And the best part is that patients can really groan as you perform your job and also 'merajuk' if you failed to accomplish the given task. Now you think being a dracula is easy? I wish I don't have to. But I am thankful enough that I've not experienced that. However, today is really not my night.

Dracula mission: Failed!!!

Ah! I am so depressed! I felt so sorry :(

how come I was not told

I was well aware of how hard medical studies could be, how crazily hectic a doctor's life would be, but how come I was not told that leg and back ache are part of the great difficulties to anticipate?

Lenguh betul kaki aku! Pinggang terasa macam nak putus dah 'wei'!